Committing suicide? Nah, There are more elegant ways to fix the things

I got in a bicycle accident, lately. I was looking so desperate, just before the accident. That’s what my friends say to me. It looked like a suicide to my closed circle. It wasn’t a suicide attempt, I was playing the game I set up, a deadly game, and I survived.

I broke my collarbone in the accident. I couldn’t use my right hand for awhile, but now it is okay too. Thanks X, I’m alive, this accident made me realize things that I miss the most.

To fix the things, I had to be stronger. Two years of social isolation, speaking in a different language, missing the family and friends, and all of these things made me feel so weak when I was abroad. It might be an answer of why I was playing this deadly game.

The game

I always have the most lethal weapon just close to me; the bike. I use it in different ways than other people do, I guess. To run away, or kick out a mad dog, or as a shield from invaders, these are the examples đź‘ľ

CURRENT STATE NO MONEY, DESPERATE, FAR AWAY FROM MOMS HOME ~130km. THERE’S A BIKE BUT IT’S A FIXIE (No gear, only front brake is present 🙄)

POSSIBLE ACTIONS- ASK FOR MONEY TO SOMEONE AND GET IN A BUS- CALL MOM- JUST RIDE HOME

A clear-headed man would choose the first or second option. But I didn’t, I couldn’t. That’s why I’m writing this blog post now.

It was a day at the end of July. Me, alone, after a summer camp that I was doing mentorship to mentees who want to learn how to programme. It was a long journey arriving here for me. I was living abroad, I did a road trip from there and don’t know how many cities I traveled here from my second home.

I did, It was hard, but I succeeded it. I was stronger! At least thats what I thought at the beginning :) I slept like full day after the ride, and I woke up very refreshed, clear minded, and stronger! I wrote a NLP library for my native language, right after a day.

Nah, it took a few days to get worse again. Even worse than before, and also I was addicted to something else, the adrenaline. I was playing on my life.

CURRENT STATE NO MONEY, RAN AWAY FROM HOME, THERE’S A FIXIE AGAIN, THERE’S HELMET, DESPERATE

POSSIBLE ACTIONS- CALL THE EX- CALL MOM- RIDE AS FAST AS YOU CAN

I believe you already guess what did I do. Now I’m giving you the next state.

CURRENT STATE ON THE GROUND, PAIN ON SHOULDER, HARD TO BREATHE, THERE’S NOBODY AROUND.

POSSIBLE ACTIONS- LAY OVER THE GROUND, BREATHE SLOWLY, WAIT- RIDE AGAIN TO NEAREST CROWDED PLACE.

I did the second option. I rode bike to Moda Park. It’s a park in Anatolian side of Istanbul, well-known place for cyclists. I texted to a bicycle collective that I am a member of. A friend found and took me to hospital.

I terminated the game, it has worked for me. The monster that’s under my bed, get along with the voices inside of my head is not around. I feel mentally refreshed, because my body is busy for doing something more important, recovering the collarbone 🤖

I feel like I have to give a disclaimer, nothing is more important than health, please friends, don’t play on your life. Always say, kış kış monster, kış kış!