The two examples illustrate the extremes of the closeness scale. Being close to someone means you are worrying about the feedback being received well. Being distant puts more worry on the desire to influence change. Of course, there are lots and lots of relationship types in between. But no matter how close you are to someone, giving feedback always takes courage.

Feelings

Giving feedback is hard. We covered that.

Good news is, there is an approach to maximise your chances of a good delivery. To ensure your feedback is received well and influences change.

This approach is independent of your relationship to someone else. But it is a little counter-intuitive at first. The key is to talk about the impact on yourself and your feelings. Yes, Feelings

This might sound a bit odd… Is not feedback all about telling the other person how they should behave? Let them know what they have done wrong? Make them aware that you know better than them?

Problem is, people do not like to be told what they should do. Most of us react pretty badly if someone highlights our shortcomings. When we provide feedback like this, we should be scared of giving it. Of course, there is a high chance the other person gets offended. Try putting yourself in the same situation.

The only way someone really takes in what you have to say, is to talk about yourself. In particular your feelings. You have to share the impact on you. Not what that person did wrong.

The framework I like to use for this is SBI. Describe the Situation as it happened, the Behaviour you observed, and the Impact it had on you. And the best way to share impact is by sharing your feelings. It is that simple.

Let me illustrate this concept with the two previous examples.