The Mathematicians Behind the Man Bun

A solution to a problem of a solution to a problem

The ‘man bun’ is the output of a complex, algorithmic mathematical system. The first ideation of this theorem (see: fig. a) is the least complex.

It is an eloquent equation. A harmonious, holistic form of mathematics. It bears the logical synchrony that only the ‘prettiest’ work of landmark mathematicians have posited. However, the output of “I will grow my hair out” prompts new, previously unaccounted-for variables to appear in the system. To account for them, a new permutation (see: fig. b)

At first assessment, this appears to be the final answer to the problem at hand. All of the new variables are accounted for. An answer concocted that ties together all of the mathematical loose ends. Of the numerous self-imposed complications — stemming from a root desire for the mathematician to like his looks — this new equation accommodates them all despite the equation being doubly as complex.

However, this is where the theorem devised diverges. The emergence of variables varies from mathematician to mathematician. The problem is now personalized, and presents uniquely to those it presents to. Researchers have compiled a list of emergent variables (see: below), as well as a new equation. (see: fig. c)

• “I do not like to answer ‘why do you wear your hair like that?’— something no woman on Earth has ever been asked.”
• “I do not want to be referred to as ‘man bun guy’ by people who don’t know me.”
• “I do not want to receive sideways glances at the office.”
• “I do not want the elderly, and those of ‘traditional’ leanings (read: conservatives), to roll their eyes as I walk by.”
• “I do not want to give ‘because I like it' as an answer to several different questions.”

But the math problem can be simplified.

Instead, if we agreed to etch this sociological equation (see: fig. d) into the incorporeal stone tablets used to guide us, we may yet save our bun-wearing humans undue grief.